Just when I was all, “My birthday was better than your birthday, suckas!!!” I go and get gluten’d. If you’re a regular reader of this site, you’ll know that this isn’t the first time this has happened. It is, however, the first time I’m so freaking pissed off about it that I want to throw things. Why? Because it was my birthday, that’s why. And I had just enjoyed what I thought was a lovely impromptu dinner with awesome friends and you want to savor those memories. You know when you’re like, “Wow, that night was so amazing, except for getting held up at gunpoint.”* It’s like that.
So I’m all at home basking in my last birthday blast glow, the husband is preparing us a nightcap, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get lucky on my birthday. And then, there it is.
Therefore, eff you Delphine. This may sound paranoid — okay, it totally sounds paranoid — but I’m convinced someone in the chain of restaurant service messed up through negligence or malice, as I was very clear with our server about my stupid gluten issues. I’m not a total a-hole unlike these people, and try to show my appreciation, like continuously so they know that I know this is a pain in the ass. The waitress may have been slow as hell, but she appeared confident in her answers and even (supposedly) checked with the chef. Which makes me wonder how I’m suddenly violently, painfully, ill within seconds of getting home, and therefore ruining any chances of birthday sex.
Here’s the deal. If I suspect you’re just being a jackass and I get gluten’d, the shit is going to hit the fan. And a lot of other places. ‘Cuz this is what’s going to happen the next time someone slips me some gluten.
- I’m going to fuck shit up. What shit I will fuck up is TBD.
- As soon as I’m able, I’m going to write a bad review on Yelp. Just like everyone else who has too much time on their hands, and a black, black, heart.
- I’m going to add you to my “naughty” list.
- Finally, I’ll talk trash about you on my blog, and all five of my readers will never visit your establishment again. So take that, Delphine at the W Hotel in Hollywood.
If anyone else has any evil suggestions for me, please send them my way. I’m ready to go cra-zy.
*This, incidentally, also totally happened. But not on my birthday.
Gluten is my Bitch 
You are too much FUN!! love your writing style and please post pictures of the aftermath of you fucking shit up. Git ;em, April!!
Nooooo….did you call the restaurant?
Oh nooooo. You poor baby :(. Feel better mama and get you some birthday sex — even if it’s belated.
Aw damn. Sorry you got screwed on your b-day! It’s the worst when you get hosed on the special days. But as I visit Hollywood on occasion, your blog will keep at least one other person from going there and getting sick! Well, if I’d heard of the place and had actually planned to go there. But now, if someone mentions it, I can at least say, ‘no, it is a place to be shunned by all celiacs. Go there no more.’ Or, you know, something equally cutting and geeky.
Right on, Shauna. Geeky AND cutting.
That’s just not right!! My BF has celiac and I’m insanely lactose intolerant so whenever we go out to eat (which is rare these days) at least one of us gets fucked! So NOT Cool!
A suggestion: send them a bag of all the stuff that came out of your body because of their mistake. (you could also light it on fire, knock, and run)
I like the way you think, Tonya. And ugh! You guys are only safe at vegan places, huh? That does suck.
you could go all Brooklyn on them and pop their tires. LOL
I hardly ever go out to eat, even on my birthday, and this is why. I have even gotten glutenated at restaurants with a gluten-free menu, because the cook didn’t speak english and the waitress didn’t speak spanish and was also a moron. I have restaurant gift certificates that gather dust for years until I regift them, and if you know me you would understand the depths of my fears, because I love free food. Get better. Then get even.
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Reading this years after the event, but I’m still sorry it happened to you. But glad you let us know! Just now starting to feel better after having been glutened at a friend’s restaurant…so, like, now what do I do? Ugh.
This has actually happened to me as well. What I learned was to up my questions game and make 100% sure I’m safe, even if I know the owner. 😉