Dudes, I got gluten’d. I’m not naming names, as it was a very nice establishment that worked hard to accommodate me, and they are looking into the whole situation and even going over protocols with their kitchen staff. So, nice people. Bad gluten’ing. The point is, I’ve got to move on from this situation that knocked me out for 24 hours, resulting in my children forgetting who I was, and my husband checking his life insurance policy/dating prospects.
There are certain things I used to do when I got sick before my diagnosis that involved crackers. Now that I know that crackers are the spawn of Satan (except for these!), I have a few other tricks up my sleeve that can help me get back on my feet and away from the bowl. Ten of them in fact.
Here’s how you (okay, I, because I’m not guaranteeing this system will work for ANYONE) can get over getting gluten’d in 10 fun ways.
1. Eat Steak
This one actually should be obvious, since when you have a serious gluten incident you begin to behave just like a rabid dog. Raw, in ground form, in a gluten-free stew, in a petite filet — whatever your body desires. Eat it up to quiet your rumbling stomach and your caveman-like instincts.
2. Drink Water
When I mentioned to a friend that I felt hung over without enjoying the “Whoooooo! I’m a Golden God!” part, she said, “Umm, yeah, because you’re dehydrated.” So, drink water peoples.
3. Avoid Gluten
Another one that should be obvious, however who hasn’t been in the middle of a bad gluten’ing and had this thought: Well, since I’m already sick . . . ?
4. Sleep For Like 20 Hours
Assuming you aren’t living in the bathroom (and I know that’s a huge assumption), just take to your bed. Really. When else will you have the temporary excuse to just shut down? Don’t wait until you break a limb to do this, you’ll just be cranky and immobile.
5. Have Sex
Hahaha. No, you’re not going to want to have sex, and quite frankly it won’t make you feel better. What it will do is prove exactly how loyal your significant other is to you, and if he can hang when you’re at your most disgusting.
6. Write Nasty Letters
Just in general. Start thinking about who you really hate, and go for it. Just like when you’re pregnant, if anyone reacts badly you can always say you were totally out of your mind and really didn’t mean the part about how you’re a miserable asshole and you’re going to die alone. Don’t forget to keep your fingers crossed behind your back.
7. Clean Your House
Again, hahahahahaha! Just kidding! NEVER clean your house. Especially not in the middle of a gluten’ing.
8. Bake Gluten-Free Cookies
You may not feel like eating anything right now, but say you’ve been looking for a great reason to gorge on a huge batch of the best peanut butter cup cookies of your life? Now’s the time my friends. Now is the time.
9. Call Your Mother
Because honestly, she’s the only person who really gives a crap that you just got gluten’d.
10. Start a Blog
Because clearly everyone in the world LOVES to hear about you crapping your pants. Amiright?
How do you get over a gluten’ing?
Gluten is my Bitch 
I cry! Then I wait for the panic attack, because yes, my gluten intolerance manifested with anxiety and panic issues! Then I wait for the tummy issues which can go either way…craptastic or get a plunger cause everything turned to cement in there! I know way to much TMI!! Then I usually eat baked potatoes or make chicken soup and eat it with Schars gluten free table crackers or eat a steak…cause you are right about the steak thing! Or ice cream….go figure!
I’ve been known to order a milk shake when I’m recovering from a gluten’ing. So if it’s dairy that fixes you up, you go get your ice cream girl.
I was about to slap you at #5 through your screen, close your blog and never come back. I appreciate the clarity on that one. 😉 Where’s the “down a crap ton of pepto bismol?” That’s my bestie when glutened.
Ya’ know, I’ve never tried the Bismol. But now I will. Thank you WTGF!
This happened to me when I found out after I got the check that I had just eaten a whole gluten-filled pizza instead of a gluten-free pizza. I panicked and called a GF friend and asked what to do. This was the first time I had had any gluten since my diagnosis about 7 months previous. He told me to drink a lot of water, kefir, and take glutamine. It worked!
What the heck is glutamine? Do you get it from Scientoligists?
If I know right away (like one time at PF Changs, when they apparently brought me a gluten free dish, but not my boyfriend, who also ordered gf so we could share, then a different waiter pointed out his was not gf – gf has their own plates there, who knew?) – I try and force myself to throw up then and there. It actually seems to help a little. Pepto does not work for me AT ALL – it just keeps everything that needs to come out in for several more hours, prolonging the agony. I totally agree with the eating (I tend to want gf pasta, not steak) and drinking water/gatorade/pedialyte though!
ps – I always call it glutenized, not gluten’d. It’s funny to see what people call it!
Of course the Top 1 Things Someone Can Say That’s Positive About Getting Gluten’d is:
You can totally fit into your high school jeans for a few days of this.
Down side: You won’t have the energy to wear them out of the house.
So there’s that.
I love it! I totally agree with Bad Sandy! If I’m ever feeling below the weather from gluten, I eat mashed potatoes with cheese.
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I eat yogurt. Of coutrse this won’t help if you have issues with dairy foods. I also have a BIG problem with canola oil. In fact the symptoms are even worse than for gluten, so usually I say I’ve been canola’d and everyone knows to use the guest bathroom. SInce we are talking about GF pizza, does anyone know a restaurant that had good GF pizza? I’ve tired Uno’s and it was a disappointment and several others and as far as I am concerned I might as well just skip pizza completely. But I am open to suggestions.
I haven’t found any mass produced gf pizzas, but there is a great pizzeria in LA in Los Feliz called Lucifer’s. I do worry about cross-contamination there, but I haven’t been sick yet.
Tomato Pie has a great GF pizza as well and they deliver to my house. I had pizza delivery for this first time two years and it nearly made me cry with joy. Check them out, too. I love Lucifer’s but I have to pick them up. Z pizza, too.
Ohh, I don’t see it on the menu online but I’m gonna call those pie people up.
In the midwest I have had some good luck with a chain called Pizza Ranch. It’s about the only place I can eat out in our rural area. And they must train their staff on food allergies. No one even rolls their eyes when I start to order.
They will deep fry a piece of chicken for you without any coatings. I’ve ate it several times without getting sick so I don’t know what they are doing to keep their oil from cross contaminating. I loved their version of gf pizza which was a crustless thing – they just piled the other ingredients on and baked them into a gooey mess somehow. It was great and I didn’t miss the bread. Now they have upgraded to a gf pizza crust. It was so-so. Their salad bar is big with easy to identify ingredients. I’d recommend them to anyone traveling through the fly-over states!
I live on the east coast but I will try to remember the name of the pizzeria just in case I ever get out that way.
This list made me lol soooo hard. #4 sleep forever is all i can do to relieve it. That or sprawl out on the floor to f make my stomache as flat as possible!
I’m so glad you Lol’d. Yes, sleep is pretty much the answer. For everything, really.
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z-pizza has a decent gluten free pizza and they deliver! I live in DC and their are a number of pizza placed here that have started to offer a gf option!
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Fresh Brothers is as close to real pizza as I found but they could be better about cross contamination. Z Pizza is amazing but they only have a medium pie (not very big) Garlic Jim’s in Burbank is very good and they try to avoid cross contamination. Deano’s at the farmers market is ok but you never forget it’s GF. (former nyer)
Keep up the good work A.P
I just tried a pizza by Russo’s that was kind of the bomb. God willing, it will be at Whole Foods soon. Thanks Sam!
I am sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. I got glutened. I found your blog and it brought a smile to my face.
Aww, I’m sorry Linda! I got gluten’ed this weekend too. It sucks the big one. Hope you’re feeling better!!
Yes I got glutened this week. Just want to sleep and eat nuts. Crazy. Have just spent 3 hours surfing the net to find out how to get over it faster. Thank you for the LOL moments.Will drink water and give up corn and rice. J
I’m sorry! That’s the worst. I wish that the cure for getting gluten’d was to eat as much gluten as you can.
I was glutenized last weekend…inadvertently…by a well-meaning relative who knows nothing about gluten intolerance but I trusted. I’m a lot older than any of you…have known about my ‘problem’ for twenty years. The last two times of glutenization really threw me for a loop. I had depression and great anxiety with it, not just the usual brain fog. It was really scary and I didn’t realize what was wrong with me until (as usual) it cleared out on the third day. The contrast between my usual energetic, vibrant self and that horrible hell I was in was startling. It was a case of ‘and then came the dawn.’ It’s just a never ending thing. A constant fight. I believe I will end up being that strange old woman who never leaves her property and chases everyone away! The outside world doesn’t just bring me gluten – it brings me perfume, chemical odors and the smell of food cooking. Esh! (For great gluten-free pizza we have Tommy’s pizza, Cleveland area.)
Ladies from what I am reading I am not crazy? I have been glutened …went nuts on my hubby ..like something out of pyhsco movies ..feel like I am standing outside of me watching ..the anger and rage ..hrs of crying ..sucidial thoughts…now 48 hrs into pain oh god pain…drinking water but so bound I throw it back up ….sleepig in tubs of hot water for relief …crawling back and forth ….WHAT HELPS RIGHT AWAY??????
The only thing you can do right away is sleep. Or lay down and try. I’m sorry!!!
im not quite sure if the.problem im having is gluten related but was wondering if u had any of these symptoms i have extremely sharp pains in my stomach and under my right breast ive noticed it only does it whrn i eat pizza or pasta i tend to feel extremely bloated during this time and cant get comfortable at all right now im on my hands and knees in the fetal position because it hurts so bad ive also noticed a small rash and seem to be itching all the time ive had these symptoms for about 6 months whichhave been very stressful i was just wanting more information about this i hope u can help
Definitely sounds gluten-related. There are a myriad of reactions to gluten, and your symptoms are certainly in there. Ask your doctor for a celiac panel as a first step. If nothing comes back, consider taking gluten out of your diet for a month and seeing how you feel. If you introduce it back in, and you have these reactions then you know you’ve got a problem.
Activated Charcoal. It’s my best friend!! It saves me from that week of bloating – I do have to take it more than once sometimes, but that’s fine with me!! My 6 year old even asks for it (mixed in apple sauce) when she gets glutened! (Or Soy-ed)