Celiac Disease / Uncategorized

My All New Gluten-Filled Diet

I'm coming to get you, gluten.

I’m pretty sure I’ve found the answer to my latest dilemma. You see, I’m covering the red carpet at the Academy Awards next week for my other job, and wow do I wish I was about ten pounds lighter for the gown that would inspire either, “Is she famous?” or even, “Hey, that girl that no one cares about behind the scenes looks hot in that dress.” Sure, I could go work out, and  stop trying to re-create an amazoids gluten-free sponge cake that goes perfectly with mozzarella sticks. Or, I could just eat as much gluten as possible for the next week and drop that pound-age like it’s hot. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it too.*

This is how I would start:

  • Breakfast would include a pastry from every coffee shop I’ve been avoiding for the past year. Le Pain Quotidien, you’d better gird your pain au chocolate.
  • Mid-morning snack would have to be donuts. Duh.
  • Lunch is the perfect time to enjoy an ice cold IPA, maybe at Umami Burger. Give me that brioche bun, bitches.
  • No reason to not try out any and all brew pubs around town at this point, hey, I’m not going to be on this diet for long!
  • Dinner would definitely take place at Pizzeria Mozza, where I would eat some lardon pizza, alongside some meatballs, and whatever else I can shove in my pizza hole. Dessert? Whatever you’ve got, Batali.
  • Midnight snack will then consist of the following: Chinese take-out — all of it, Magnolia Bakery cupcakes, Twix bars, and a burrito.

I’m pretty sure eating like this would allow me to fit into a gown for the Oscars. I might be losing my hair, and most likely I’d pass out on the bleachers before I got a chance to ask Brad and Angie about their latest pregnancy/drug problem/why they hate Jennifer Aniston so much. But, hey, ten pounds lost! Wheeeee!

*Seriously, don’t do this. I know you’re smarter than I am and probably know that already. But don’t. You don’t want cancer of the bowels, amiright?


Image via Rachel from Cupcakes Take the Cake/Flickr

13 thoughts on “My All New Gluten-Filled Diet

  1. I’m just glad to know that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. Just before my diagnosis, I was eating a lot of everything and still losing weight rather rapidly.
    I feel much better now, but I’ve been gaining weight a little too quickly since I stopped being sick all the time and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have to exercise a little more self-control or I’ll end up looking like the vampire librarian from Blade.
    But, yeah, not even worth the short-term effects, let alone the slew of long-term consequences.

  2. This was always a point of contention for me. They say that celiacs tend to drop weight pre-diagnosis when they’re still eating gluten. I’m so freaking jealous. I was on weight watchers, throwing everything up, and gained about 30 pounds in a year pre-diagnosis. If I get glutenized, I tend to gain. The ONE side effect I wanted doesn’t seem to work for me. (I also gained weight when I had mono. Everyone loses with mono, right??? FML.)

  3. Wow! I lost so much weight before I was diagnosed I was convinced I had cancer. Yet I’ve gained it back and much, much, more! I can’t imagine eating, throwing up, and still gaining weight. Eff that.

    • Ive been losin weight since going gluten free. Mostly from bloated tummy recession!.. Barely goin down after about a year phew

  4. I would go on a gluten-bender if it would make me lose weight. (Ok, not really but it’s nice to fantasize) Chocolate filled French pastries, donuts, in n out burger (with the bun, imagine!) pretzels, and pie. Lots of pie.

  5. This is so funny! I’m headed to Jamaica next week and my brother and I joked I should go on gluten for the two weeks prior. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t actually do it. I’m just going to avoid mirrors and pictures while I’m there.

  6. I too stacked a bit on since going GF….and I’m now in the process of unstacking it!!! Takes a bit of discipline, but I feel better already. Apart from the obvious of my body being able to actually ABORB food, for me it’s also been partly just grabbing whatever I could find to eat, whereas previously, with much greater options (before diagnosis) it was easier to stay in balance. Slowly as I learn to adjust to a new diet and a new metabolism, and get more organised with food choices, those extra kilos are starting to shift. Hope they stay off!

    But more importantly, I hope you look ab fab on oscars night!!!

  7. I wasn’t one of the, er, lucky ones? that dropped weight – I kept on a’ gaining. Lame. I am def with you on the beer – in fact pre-diagnosis I hated alcohol (I changed my stupid ways since) so now I’m so bummed I’ve never experienced a beer I liked. Beer & a cinnabon. Oh, a precious cinnabon.

    I’m sure you’ll look fab and rock it, yo!

  8. Pingback: Gluten-Free Coconut Layer Cake to Wreck Your Diet + Giveaway! | Gluten Is My Bitch

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