Celiac Disease / Uncategorized

Sneaking Gluten-Free Food Into Hostile Territory

I’m a lady who needs her coffee. Sure, I know how to make it at home and often do, by the carafe-full. Sometimes, however, life requires you to head to a coffee shop where a barista will whip up a nice caffeinated beverage for your enjoyment. Ahhhh, frothy 2%.

Of course the problem with these shops, are the pastries. The gluten-laden, deceptively delicious-looking, muffins, scones, donuts, and cakes. Thus far, not one of the 15 coffee houses in my area have gotten the memo about the 1 in 133 of us who might not want to live in their bathroom after ingesting a chocolate chip scone.

This means bringing in your own food, at the risk of being busted or shamed by your douche bag husband. (Note: Not MY husband. He’s got not a shred of douche-baggery and provides useful pockets for this venture. I know, I’m a lucky woman.)

Since it’s your god-given right to enjoy a latte, macchiato, wet cappuccino, or a double espresso whenever, and wherever you want, you’ll be excused for assuming you can do whatever the hell you want in these establishments. Excused by me, maybe not the owner who worked hard perfecting her hazelnut muffin. Which is why you have to sneak your gluten-free goods. Here’s how.

1. Travel Crumbless

Forget the gluten-free croissant (mostly because they don’t even exist), go for something dense like the gluten-free lemon poppy cake you see being unsheathed from my trench coat above. Keep it clean, Celiacs.

2. Don’t Look Guilty

Hey, you’ll starve to death if you’re never allowed to eat inside a coffee shop, amiright? No? Well, you might get a little bit peaked. So don’t act like you’re doing anything wrong when you order your almond milk latte, no matter how big the gluten-free baguette is sticking out of your computer bag.

3. Mind the Lighting

The darker, the better, and the more antiques stacked in corners the more places to hide your muffin. No one is going to get up in your business if they can’t even tell what it is you’re doing under your coat over there.

So go forth Celiacs! Spread your gf pastry around town.

Do you ever sneak gluten-free food into dining establishments? How do you do it?

10 thoughts on “Sneaking Gluten-Free Food Into Hostile Territory

  1. A few of the Charbucks I’ve been to sell actually-digestible, mostly-palatable gluten-free snack-bar-type thingies (heck, there’s a local movie theater that offers gluten-free cookies; what’s cool is that the price is actually quite reasonable–for a movie theater–so it hardly feels like we’re being gouged for having to be gluten-free, just for buying crap at the movies).

    The irony is that I’m not into anything else Charbucks sells. My wife and friends are. I guess the real irony is that now I enjoy it there more, since there’s at least one thing I want to have that I get to have (versus all of the stuff I could have had but never wanted).

  2. I have definitely snuck gluten free foods into numerous places. Coffee shops, restaurants, movie theatres, even Glen Ivy Day Spa in Corona. (What? It was my birthday. And while they have delicious salads and even gluten free bagels (!), they do not have gluten free chocolate cake. I mean, a girl only turns 30 once.) Sometimes it’s blatant (like at an Iranian restaurant in San Diego – I brought warmed kinnickinnick pizza crust in a tupperware container to eat with hummus, since pita is out.) Sometimes it’s more discreet – but scratch that, it’s pretty much always blatant. If the manager has a problem, I’ll tell them that I will buy gluten free cheerios from them if they sell them, but until then, leave me and my auto-immune disorder alone.

    I also sneak wine into movie theatres, but that’s a whole different story.

  3. Our *bucks has the kind bars & other chip-y style things. Too bad they only had the orange gluten free cake thing like a day three years ago. BUT the *bucks in Ireland carries GF brownies! (Though open in their case with the other goodies. ) And ooh I had no idea Glen Ivy had GF bagels. Now I’ll have to justify a trip back to my fave spa just for that! 😉

  4. Pingback: Gluten-Free Los Angeles: Larchmont Bungalow Before T-Ball | Gluten Is My Bitch

  5. God dang, you’re funny. I was in a *bucks this weekend in Washington State and had to settle for a nut bar snack while my friend gorged on a chicken sausage breakfast pocket thing. I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t develop a few tempting treats for the GF population – everyone else seems to be catching on out here

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