Celiac Disease / Uncategorized

3* Gluten-Free Rules That Should Exist But Totally Do Not

Listen up, bitches 

Perhaps you’ve noticed a lack of the bitching about gluten this week. That would be because my bitching hole has been busy getting rid of anything that might exist inside my stomach. Yep, stomach flu, or maybe some food poisoning, or maybe just some, “You know I hate you, right?” from my evil intestines. But here’s the thing. Getting a stomach ailment when you already have celiac, or any type of allergy or intolerance, is total bullshit. Which is why that is rule number one.

Gluten-Free Rule #1: No stomach illnesses allowed (outside of the already debilitating gluten-activated variety)

Listen, body. I’ve had enough of this mid-range attack. From here on out, let’s be fair. You want to break my leg? Go for it. Head cold? Sure! Good old-fashioned body lice? Why not? (Ed note: I’ll tell you why not, that’s totally disgusting.)  But LEAVE THE STOMACH ALONE. I’ve paid my dues with that particular organ, and I’m done with having it attacked. DONE. Back the hell off bacteria, and head towards my toenails or something.

Although I do have to say I’ve learned something from this week of pain. One, when you’ve got a crap immune system, germs are going to get into you. Even if they leave the rest of your delightful family alone. (Nice work, lucky jerks.) And two, maybe the next time you bite into something that tastes funny, you stop eating rather than saying, “Hey, does this taste weird to you?” as you finish your bacon.

Sure, I may be sensitive now with this whole business, but it’s still supremely rude for someone or something to go for your jugular, when your jugular is located in your eating area. Not cool, germs. NOT COOL.

What other rules should we lay down? Bring ’em.

*I really just have this one rule for now. But three sounded better. But I’m sure I’ll come up with more. As soon as I stop puking.

14 thoughts on “3* Gluten-Free Rules That Should Exist But Totally Do Not

  1. Oh poor you. I totally have 2 more rules based on my experience.

    #2. No affecting my mind. It’s enough to be doubled over in pain; no need to make my mind go numb too.

    #3. Don’t get me when I’m in the middle of a conversation. Ugh. How many times have I wanted to run to the restroom while in the mist of a sentence.

    possible TMI.. but the truth.

  2. #4 This may be all kinds of wrong, but people who are idiots–and yet completely confident in their self-perceived knowledge–about celiac disease (the friend who says “a little won’t kill ya”; the grocery worker who says “it doesn’t *say* it has any gluten; it must be gluten-free”; the waitress who says “we got you covered; no cheese or sugar”) should have to suffer the consequences of a good glutening and spend a week “sleeping” in the bathroom, doubled over in pain and dealing with and for fear of what is and might evacuate both ends, um, since we’re all about TMI here. And then they have some kind of angelic visitation in which they are, um, persuasively enlightened. This is a win-win really.

    I’m all happy just thinking about it. Dear Lord Jesus, forgive me.

    • I would really love a gf rule about food – if it’s supposed to be gluten free, please actually BE gluten free. For example – I used to work as a TV producer, and got really sick after sampling some pan-sauteed salmon after a cooking segment. I was so confused – salmon should be naturally gf, right? And I had chatted with the owner about my intolerance, and had been assured it was safe – just sauteed in olive oil and lemon, no sauce, etc.

      A week later, back at my desk, I was reviewing the footage (the kitchen had been too small for me to go into in the field.) Lo and behold, the chef added a small bit of flour to the top of the salmon to ‘give it a nice brown color.’ What. the. eff.

      Also, I have been served the gluten equivalent of gluten free things at several different restaurants. The server had taken down my order right – the kitchen screwed up, and the people delivering the food didn’t realize I needed it gf. (Which is now how I know to look for yellow baskets at Ruby’s with the gf hamburger buns, and the different plates at PF Changs.)

      so rule #5 – if restaurants offer gf meals, and ppl order gf meals – please can they actually serve gf meals to their patrons? thanks.

  3. if joel’s going to hell for #4 then i’m right there with him ! I would also add that i’m down right PISSED at companies who refuse to understand the ingredients of a product that they want me to put in or on my body ! Not to mention that their employees are probably knee deep in those ingredients too. Do you not think that you should know your ingredients of your products ????? And while i’m at it….when i ask if your product is GF please do not give me the canned “we cannot certify that our ingredients or the ingredients we get from suppliers has never come into contact with any other gluten containing items”. really that’s your lazy ass answer ? UGH. sorry…i’m still in the angry stages of diagnosis. does that ever go away ?

    • After you’ve mastered your neighborhood eateries and grocery store, you get a little bit less angry. But really, it only takes one skinny vanilla latte to get you riled up again.

      • Yeah, I’d say it subsides more than “goes away.” It’s a good thing the glutens make us weak or we’d be causing all kinds of havoc. Not really: the havoc needs havocking if you ask me, but they rarely do. Sigh.

  4. As someone who has been recently diagnosed with gluten intolerance, I totally love your blog. Although it’s not Celiac’s, so i cannot completely empathize, gluten intolerance has wreaked it’s own special havoc on my immune sytem, and I find new allergies…oh your left eye is swollen to the size of a golfball? Surprise! No more soymilk for you! Now i am allergic to soymilk…..and nectarines…and apples…and more new things i find out as i discover the random hives and swollen eyes and painful inflammation as my body attacks itself in an effort to ward off the evil gluten….i will add my own rule….if it’s gluten or contains gkuten or some gluten derivative, please put it on the label, plain and simple, i don’t want to have to wear a secret decoder ring to figure out if something has gluten, or please provide said ring so my idiot self can figure it out. Please and thank you.

  5. Like B, I am gluten intolerant. Which sucks. Not as badly as Celiac. But it still sucks. I still have flare ups of skin rashes, breathing problems, stomach problems. achy joints. I too wish manufacturers would post on their products if it has any kind of gluten!! I’m learning. The hard way, but I’m learning. But, I sure could kick some ass!

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