I realize it’s the part of January where everyone gives up on those New Year’s Day resolutions, which is why I’m getting started. That way, when I fail I’ll be all, “You guys didn’t even last this long, suckers!” So here’s the deal. Erika, a lovely gluten-free fitness coach, contacted me about getting my gluten-free butt in gear. Yes, there is such a thing as a gluten-free fitness coach and now all of you people who indulge in gluten are jealous.

It’s possible this news is shocking to all of you who have been enjoying my wild ride through the sugars of the world. But the fact is eating deep-fried goodness is not so good for your gluten-free fat ass. Additionally I’m about to do this whole book promotion thing and am hardcore angling for my gluten-free story to be told as a Lifetime movie. So maybe getting in shape, and stopping my daily diet of dairy, sugar, and more of that is the way to go. This is the plan (and you can follow along too, my masochist friends!). First, I’m doing this crazy detox/cleanse/reset situation. Then, Erika is going to make me exercise or something. I think it will work.

Let’s talk about the new diet!

Erika is also on the cleanse/restart/vegan train through the Beachbody Ultimate Reset (anyone who knows me is laughing heartily right about now) and asked if I would go along for the ride. She’s also quite foul-mouthed so we’re getting along perfectly. Here’s the thing about this situation: There is some fantastic food on this reset. Sure you have to prepare three meals a day and perfectly time your mineral supplements, but I’m pretty sure all of that organization is perfectly designed to keep you from realizing you’re not eating cheeseburgers. Oh, and you also cut out coffee and booze. So far, it’s not too bad, and kind of good. This is the awesomeness I’m eating.

Naturally something that’s designed to get lots of vitamins and minerals in you requires you to eat tons of greens. This steamed swiss chard is dressed with lemon juice and salt and pepper, and the pine nuts have become my new favorite food since, you know, I can’t have cheese. The scrambled eggs are cooked in olive oil, which I’m digging but will probably start hating soon, also seasoned with a salt, pepper, and a wee bit of parsley. Pretty yum.

The whole gluten-free steel-cut oatmeal and yogurt with honey situation above is another breakfast option. Tragically, the only dairy I hate is yogurt. ‘Eff, me. I almost substituted ice cream but thought that might not be the best food choice. See, I’m already learning!

This is one of the only times meat is allowed on this diet that will become vegan in a matter of days. Baked salmon with lots of herbs, with some more greens, and super delicious boiled potatoes — again, just salt and pepper and garlic to make it delicious.

And presenting my most favorite meal of all time, ever. I enjoy tacos on the regular, and this brown rice, corn, black beans with a dob of guac on a corn tortilla makes me super duper happy. If your diet allows you to eat guacamole, you’re not doing so shabby.

Was I craving gluten-free pepperoni pizza at 9am this morning? Yes. Will I eat cheese as soon as I can? Hells, yes. But I am learning how to whip up really delicious healthy meals and hopefully I’ll remember how to do it when flipping through my recipe memory. Also, Erika might come over here and kick my ass if I don’t.

Stay tuned. This is only Day 5 and I should be losing my mind any day now.