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I’ll Never Hike the Appalachian Trail


gluten-free bad newsAnd I don’t mean that as a euphemism. This fact just hit me the other day, and I was shockingly despondent for oh, let’s say, 45 minutes.

I was listening to the NPR, as I do, and this segment came on about hikers on the Pacific Crest Trail being pleasantly surprised by some “trail magic” along their 5-month journey. This trail magic comes in the form of a dude who hits Costco and supplies these hardcore hikers with some much needed sustenance as they make their way into Canada, feet swelling up and toenails falling off.

There is nothing about any of what I just described that I can even kind of relate to. Still, the realization that I could never do any type of endurance activity that required me to be more than 5 miles away from a Whole Foods was kind of a bummer.

These hikers who stumbled across the “Sonora Pass Cafe” were positively orgasmic about the chocolate cake and other goodies a man provides out of the goodness of his heart and his love for hiking. Some hikers were on their last bit of dried foods when they came across the booty, and others simply hadn’t seen normal food for some time. There is no getting around the fact that I would die, right there on that trail.

And it made me start thinking about other limits on my activities given my need for gluten-free food. Because, you guys, if I were starving to death and someone offered me a bagel, it would be the final nail in the coffin. I do not want to poop myself to death because I thought it would be a good idea to “get some exercise” and “be in nature.”

I also realized that I could never be cast on a reality show where you have to band together and make food and stuff for survival. I know you haven’t been watching Utopia, because no one is, but they’ve got a bit of a food problem there. They don’t have a homemade hillbilly raisin wine problem, but they do spend their limited funds on foods that have a load of gluten. I mean, I would go on that show and announce that MY version of Utopia was gluten-free and I would be locked in the chicken pen. But again, no one would watch a reality show where one contestant was locked in the bathroom the entire season. Probably.

You know what else I can never, ever, never do? Let me tell you. In list form.

  • Live through a Zombie Apocalypse, even if I knew how to use a sharp stick
  • Participate in half-off Wednesdays at the Wonder Bread store
  • Go to jail (as seen on OITNB)
  • Judge the “baked goods” category at the County Fair
  • Participate in an Iron Man. (Okay, that’s mostly because of laziness.)
  • Work in a matzo factory
  • Go to a Bro Country concert. (This one isn’t scientific, I just have a feeling.)

That’s a lot of stuff, you guys. A lot of . . . stuff.

Hmmm, what else can’t we do? Us sensitives?

Photo via www.yourhunterdon.com

10 thoughts on “I’ll Never Hike the Appalachian Trail

  1. I still get nervous about traveling to countries that don’t speak English! I don’t think there are any hand “signals” I could use to explain I can’t have gluten…and then wondering if they even know what that is! LOL!

  2. LOL! Sure you can hike the Appalachian Trail. I’m GF and I have hiked sections of it. I just pre-made all of my food, dehydrated it and had it sent to me at every mail drop. But it is disappointing to miss the pizza and ice cream.

  3. I totally know what you mean! It is frustrating to be so limited. For the record though, it is possible to do long distance events – it just takes a lot of preparation and you might need to pack more than other people. I take entire packs of gf granola bars for a two hour hike… just in case!

    Its an interesting point you bring up. In a life or death (or a “I feel like I’m going to pass out or starve”) situation, what would you do? Would you eat the bagel? Or the least offensive gluteny thing in the goody bag? If you were in a wreck or the midst of a natural disaster, and the only food was gluteny….? I haven’t really considered it but I guess if you could save your life by making yourself really really sick, it might still be worth it.

    • I think it all depends on your symptoms when you eat gluten. IF you’re just uncomfortable, then yes the nutrients you DO get might be worth it. But for me, it rips everything out of my body and violently, leaving me with fewer nutrients than if I’d just eaten grass or leaves. So yeah, I’d be screwed in the zombie apocolypse.

  4. There are lots of things I do and I’m GF. Hiking is one of them. You don’t have to eat cake. You make your own food. Or they even make freeze dried food that’s GF. As for the reality shows what’s her face Elizabeth something or other got diagnosed when she returned as celiac because she went on that show and wiped the gluten from her diet during the taping. Why limit yourself like that. The world is your oyster.

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