Let me start off with an apology, because I basically have mostly “don’ts” in connection with The Renaissance Pleasure Faire. And I’ll tell you why. I kind of lose all of my nerve when people start yelling “Wench!” at me in Olde English. This, my friends, was a HUGE learning curve in my gluten-free journey. Or walk about. Or whatever it is they say there.

Let’s just get started. We’ll Friday morning quarterback later.

DO: Be thankful there is meat everywhere. Meat to eat, I mean. Not in the boobies and abs department (abs=male boobies)

DON’T: Worry about wearing tight clothing. If you’re gluten-free, you won’t eat much.

DO: Just buy into the whole thing. I mean, you’re there. It’s okay if someone is calling you non-virtuous. Then they lunge at you with their very hot metal stick. Right?

DON’T: Make fun of the guy in the hat.

DO: Consider cider.

DON’T: Get so drunk you pull “the girls” out.

DO: Order loaded chips.

That’s cider, not beer. ‘Cuz I’m not that much of a wimp.

DON’T: Forget to ask about all those meat sticks and the biz. Like I did. I really wish I’d had a meat stick. I mean, really.

DO: Grow a pair of your own and don’t get scared when you have to go order food to eat in your mouth.

DON’T: Do what I did and be like, “How in the holy fuck am I going to say ‘Oh, hello I have celiac and is that wild boar gluten-free?” Just say it. Don’t run away like little wenchie bitch.

At least there was cider.

What the ‘eff do you guys do if you’re all up in a situation where people are play acting and are really not at all interested in your gluten problem. I realize this is probably not a thing 99.9% of the time. But this 1% I was like, “Why are you calling me M’ lady? Do I need to be really polite? Can I eat food that won’t make me crap?” I just couldn’t deal, you guys. I could not. Hence, the chips.

Wow. Ren Faire’s are HARD.