When one writes a book such as The Gluten-Free Cheat Sheet: Go G-Free in 30 Days or Less, one goes through an editing process. It’s true! Not every word I write is brilliant or spelled correctly. Shhh! Don’t tell anybdy.

Sometimes words are removed that you feel need to still be said. So I am offering you, my awesome blog readers, one of my favorite sections that did not make publication. Still, the rest of the book is GREAT and should totes buy it. For your reading pleasure, the lost section titled “I’ve Got 99 Problems & Gluten Is the Biggest One.” Enjoy. Or not. Maybe you agree with my editor. 

Why All The Hate?

I’m not blaming the gluten-free by choice for this, at least not for 100% of this, but the fact is there is a gluten-free backlash going on. This can make it difficult to explain to friends, family and waiters why you’re not eating the unlimited bread sticks anymore. You’ll get a little bit of, “That’s horrible!!!” and a lot of the, “So what CAN you eat” business for awhile. It’s also very possible you’ll get a lot of incredulous looks, scoffs, and guffaws from people who just don’t like what you’re up to with this gluten shunning. The next time someone gives you the side eye when you tell them you have to eat gluten-free, just show them this list. No, seriously, print it out, laminate it, practice your inflection, and have it at the ready.

Here are the 99 problems gluten can give you. For reals:

1. The poots
2. The bloats
3. The bleeds
4. The cranks
5. The impulse to beat people
6. The cancers
7. The brittle bones
8. The acne
9. The bloody
10. The halitosis
11. The junk
12. The ick
13. The sick
14. The creepy crawlies
15. The bump
16. The hives
17. The blanks
18. The dumbs
19. The devil went down to Georgias
20. The cracks
21. The breaks
22. The sharts
23. The dribbles
24. The hysterias
25. The pyromanias
26. The ijustcan’tanymores
27. The wtfs
28. The breakups
29. The breakdowns
30. The Up With Peoples
31. The false teeth
32. The teeth grinding
33. The gnashing
34. The pukes
35. The gags
36. The stressing
37. The calling in sick to the job-ing
38. The job losing
39. The explaining
40. The explaining to the in-laws
41. The explaining to the co-workers
42. The explaining to the people who know better than you
43. The kicking of people’s shins
44. The crying
45. The rashes
46. The rash decision making
47. The asthma
48. The itchies
49. The miscarriages
50. The bad moods
51. The sad moods
52. The stupid moods
53. The doctor’s visits
54. The doctor’s bills
55. The grocery bills
56. The nutritionist’s bills
57. The health store bills
58. The bankruptcy filing
59. The plasma selling
60. The tattoo getting
61. The tattoo removing
62. The drunkenness
63. The sobering up
64. The regrets
65. The missed opportunities
66. The comebacks you thought of too late
67. The nasty thing you said when you were hangry
68. The nasty thing you ate when you were hangry
69. The vacation you didn’t take
70. The vacation you took in your hotel bathroom
71. The time you said “’eff it.”
72. The time you said “’eff it” and wound up in the emergency room
73. The time lost being sick
74. The time lost being angry
75. The time lost in pain
76. The time lost trying to explain what you can and can’t eat
77. The time lost worrying what everyone else will think
78. The time lost wondering about what disease you’re going to get next
79. The time lost harassing your doctor
80. The time lost talking with a doctor who doesn’t get it
81. TIME
82. An unquenched thirst for craft beer
83. An unquenched thirst for jelly donuts
84. The family members who were sick before you
85. The family members who will be sick after you
86. The jerks who make you feel gross
87. The jerks who make you feel whiny
88. The jerks who think you’re a pain in the ass
89. The pain in the ass
90. The pain in the ovaries
91. The pain when you thought you had carpal tunnel
92. The hair loss
93. The hair color change
94. The bad hair days
95. The bad haircuts
96. The bad information
97. The bad Internet
98. The bad days
99. The bad nights

What’s Your Gluten-Free Problem?