When one writes a book such as The Gluten-Free Cheat Sheet: Go G-Free in 30 Days or Less, one goes through an editing process. It’s true! Not every word I write is brilliant or spelled correctly. Shhh! Don’t tell anybdy.
Sometimes words are removed that you feel need to still be said. So I am offering you, my awesome blog readers, one of my favorite sections that did not make publication. Still, the rest of the book is GREAT and should totes buy it. For your reading pleasure, the lost section titled “I’ve Got 99 Problems & Gluten Is the Biggest One.” Enjoy. Or not. Maybe you agree with my editor.
Why All The Hate?
I’m not blaming the gluten-free by choice for this, at least not for 100% of this, but the fact is there is a gluten-free backlash going on. This can make it difficult to explain to friends, family and waiters why you’re not eating the unlimited bread sticks anymore. You’ll get a little bit of, “That’s horrible!!!” and a lot of the, “So what CAN you eat” business for awhile. It’s also very possible you’ll get a lot of incredulous looks, scoffs, and guffaws from people who just don’t like what you’re up to with this gluten shunning. The next time someone gives you the side eye when you tell them you have to eat gluten-free, just show them this list. No, seriously, print it out, laminate it, practice your inflection, and have it at the ready.
Here are the 99 problems gluten can give you. For reals:
- The poots
- The bloats
- The bleeds
- The cranks
- The impulse to beat people
- The cancers
- The brittle bones
- The acne
- The bloody
- The halitosis
- The junk
- The ick
- The sick
- The creepy crawlies
- The bump
- The hives
- The blanks
- The dumbs
- The devil went down to Georgias
- The cracks
- The breaks
- The sharts
- The dribbles
- The hysterias
- The pyromanias
- The ijustcan’tanymores
- The wtfs
- The breakups
- The breakdowns
- The Up With Peoples
- The false teeth
- The teeth grinding
- The gnashing
- The pukes
- The gags
- The stressing
- The calling in sick to the job-ing
- The job losing
- The explaining
- The explaining to the in-laws
- The explaining to the co-workers
- The explaining to the people who know better than you
- The kicking of people’s shins
- The crying
- The rashes
- The rash decision making
- The asthma
- The itchies
- The miscarriages
- The bad moods
- The sad moods
- The stupid moods
- The doctor’s visits
- The doctor’s bills
- The grocery bills
- The nutritionist’s bills
- The health store bills
- The bankruptcy filing
- The plasma selling
- The tattoo getting
- The tattoo removing
- The drunkenness
- The sobering up
- The regrets
- The missed opportunities
- The comebacks you thought of too late
- The nasty thing you said when you were hangry
- The nasty thing you ate when you were hangry
- The vacation you didn’t take
- The vacation you took in your hotel bathroom
- The time you said “’eff it.”
- The time you said “’eff it” and wound up in the emergency room
- The time lost being sick
- The time lost being angry
- The time lost in pain
- The time lost trying to explain what you can and can’t eat
- The time lost worrying what everyone else will think
- The time lost wondering about what disease you’re going to get next
- The time lost harassing your doctor
- The time lost talking with a doctor who doesn’t get it
- An unquenched thirst for craft beer
- An unquenched thirst for jelly donuts
- The family members who were sick before you
- The family members who will be sick after you
- The jerks who make you feel gross
- The jerks who make you feel whiny
- The jerks who think you’re a pain in the ass
- The pain in the ass
- The pain in the ovaries
- The pain when you thought you had carpal tunnel
- The hair loss
- The hair color change
- The bad hair days
- The bad haircuts
- The bad information
- The bad Internet
- The bad days
- The bad nights
What’s Your Gluten-Free Problem?
Thank you, and, for the record, I DON’T agree with your publisher. It’s very you: fun, true, helps us all accept the rotten stuff and also helps us feel strong in community.
I think I love you. I won’t go on and on about my story, but I’m a new to leaky gut syndrome gal and I hate telling people that I can’t have gluten and I usually don’t, I can usually sidestep the issue somehow (look a squirrel). You crack me up in what really isn’t that funny of an issue. Thank you from the bottom of my gluten free heart!
Aww, thanks! And I”m so sorry about your gut.
If you haven’t been yet- ICDC in LA has gluten free donuts in a DEDICATED fryer and dedicated dipping stations :)… it was SO good.
ICDC?? I have no idea what that is, but I’ll be googling it as soon as I’m back in LA!
Your editor obviously does not have Celiac or Gluten intolerance. This should have made the cut. It brings a bit of humor where there is very little to laugh about sometimes. I went gluten free just a few weeks ago. I am ordering this book, but wish your editor had been more insightful. He/she should trust the person who has lived it!
And, thanks Loretta. 🙂
I came across your book in peppercorn bookshop while up in Boulder this last weekend. I was laughing out loud reading the first few pages. I’m new to this whole gluten-free thing.. And to be honest, it sucks. I usually don’t even say it to waiters because I don’t even know how to explain it. I just know it makes me feel like crap whenever I eat it. Thank you so much for you laughs!!
Thank you! And I love that Peppercorn store.
It does suck, but you’ll slowly get used to it, or resigned might be closer to the word. Ice cream helps.