Gluten Free Cheat Sheet

I’ve Got 99 Problems & They’re All Related to Gluten

gluten-free-cheat-sheet-giveawayWhen one writes a book such as The Gluten-Free Cheat Sheet: Go G-Free in 30 Days or Less, one goes through an editing process. It’s true! Not every word I write is brilliant or spelled correctly. Shhh! Don’t tell anybdy.

Sometimes words are removed that you feel need to still be said. So I am offering you, my awesome blog readers, one of my favorite sections that did not make publication. Still, the rest of the book is GREAT and should totes buy it. For your reading pleasure, the lost section titled “I’ve Got 99 Problems & Gluten Is the Biggest One.” Enjoy. Or not. Maybe you agree with my editor. 

Why All The Hate?

I’m not blaming the gluten-free by choice for this, at least not for 100% of this, but the fact is there is a gluten-free backlash going on. This can make it difficult to explain to friends, family and waiters why you’re not eating the unlimited bread sticks anymore. You’ll get a little bit of, “That’s horrible!!!” and a lot of the, “So what CAN you eat” business for awhile. It’s also very possible you’ll get a lot of incredulous looks, scoffs, and guffaws from people who just don’t like what you’re up to with this gluten shunning. The next time someone gives you the side eye when you tell them you have to eat gluten-free, just show them this list. No, seriously, print it out, laminate it, practice your inflection, and have it at the ready.

Here are the 99 problems gluten can give you. For reals:

  1. The poots
  2. The bloats
  3. The bleeds
  4. The cranks
  5. The impulse to beat people
  6. The cancers
  7. The brittle bones
  8. The acne
  9. The bloody
  10. The halitosis
  11. The junk
  12. The ick
  13. The sick
  14. The creepy crawlies
  15. The bump
  16. The hives
  17. The blanks
  18. The dumbs
  19. The devil went down to Georgias
  20. The cracks
  21. The breaks
  22. The sharts
  23. The dribbles
  24. The hysterias
  25. The pyromanias
  26. The ijustcan’tanymores
  27. The wtfs
  28. The breakups
  29. The breakdowns
  30. The Up With Peoples
  31. The false teeth
  32. The teeth grinding
  33. The gnashing
  34. The pukes
  35. The gags
  36. The stressing
  37. The calling in sick to the job-ing
  38. The job losing
  39. The explaining
  40. The explaining to the in-laws
  41. The explaining to the co-workers
  42. The explaining to the people who know better than you
  43. The kicking of people’s shins
  44. The crying
  45. The rashes
  46. The rash decision making
  47. The asthma
  48. The itchies
  49. The miscarriages
  50. The bad moods
  51. The sad moods
  52. The stupid moods
  53. The doctor’s visits
  54. The doctor’s bills
  55. The grocery bills
  56. The nutritionist’s bills
  57. The health store bills
  58. The bankruptcy filing
  59. The plasma selling
  60. The tattoo getting
  61. The tattoo removing
  62. The drunkenness
  63. The sobering up
  64. The regrets
  65. The missed opportunities
  66. The comebacks you thought of too late
  67. The nasty thing you said when you were hangry
  68. The nasty thing you ate when you were hangry
  69. The vacation you didn’t take
  70. The vacation you took in your hotel bathroom
  71. The time you said “’eff it.”
  72. The time you said “’eff it” and wound up in the emergency room
  73. The time lost being sick
  74. The time lost being angry
  75. The time lost in pain
  76. The time lost trying to explain what you can and can’t eat
  77. The time lost worrying what everyone else will think
  78. The time lost wondering about what disease you’re going to get next
  79. The time lost harassing your doctor
  80. The time lost talking with a doctor who doesn’t get it
  81. TIME
  82. An unquenched thirst for craft beer
  83. An unquenched thirst for jelly donuts
  84. The family members who were sick before you
  85. The family members who will be sick after you
  86. The jerks who make you feel gross
  87. The jerks who make you feel whiny
  88. The jerks who think you’re a pain in the ass
  89. The pain in the ass
  90. The pain in the ovaries
  91. The pain when you thought you had carpal tunnel
  92. The hair loss
  93. The hair color change
  94. The bad hair days
  95. The bad haircuts
  96. The bad information
  97. The bad Internet
  98. The bad days
  99. The bad nights

What’s Your Gluten-Free Problem?

10 thoughts on “I’ve Got 99 Problems & They’re All Related to Gluten

  1. Thank you, and, for the record, I DON’T agree with your publisher. It’s very you: fun, true, helps us all accept the rotten stuff and also helps us feel strong in community.

  2. I think I love you. I won’t go on and on about my story, but I’m a new to leaky gut syndrome gal and I hate telling people that I can’t have gluten and I usually don’t, I can usually sidestep the issue somehow (look a squirrel). You crack me up in what really isn’t that funny of an issue. Thank you from the bottom of my gluten free heart!

  3. If you haven’t been yet- ICDC in LA has gluten free donuts in a DEDICATED fryer and dedicated dipping stations :)… it was SO good.

  4. Your editor obviously does not have Celiac or Gluten intolerance. This should have made the cut. It brings a bit of humor where there is very little to laugh about sometimes. I went gluten free just a few weeks ago. I am ordering this book, but wish your editor had been more insightful. He/she should trust the person who has lived it!

  5. I came across your book in peppercorn bookshop while up in Boulder this last weekend. I was laughing out loud reading the first few pages. I’m new to this whole gluten-free thing.. And to be honest, it sucks. I usually don’t even say it to waiters because I don’t even know how to explain it. I just know it makes me feel like crap whenever I eat it. Thank you so much for you laughs!!

    • Thank you! And I love that Peppercorn store.

      It does suck, but you’ll slowly get used to it, or resigned might be closer to the word. Ice cream helps.

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