My Embarrassing Experiment in Cross-Fit: Week 1

If you’ve read my first book, you know that I’m one of many who are confused about the gluten-free, paleo, cross-fit connection. Which is why I found it hi-lar-ious that a Facebook ad popped up on my page for a local’ish cross-fit gym announcing a special program for women only where we come together and do the cross-fit thing and cheer each other on. Even more hilarious? I totally bought it. You guys. I’m doing cross-fit.

Here’s the deal. I’m lazy and I hate to exercise. I love walking and stuff, but I live in Los Angeles and it’s illegal to do that here. I also don’t like being told what to eat, especially with the whole celiac thing. And this is how you gain 20 pounds, my friends.

It was time to at least consider moving something, whether surgically or no, so I sign up and go to the meet and greet where we talk cross-fit and Paleo. Luckily, I have the Paleo part down, what with my experiments in trying to control my dairy consumption. So I tell Luke, the cross-fit guy, that I have celiac disease so I’m already halfway there on the diet. Luke says gluten is horrible, the things it does to your body. I tell him what it does to my body. He’s concerned. I don’t think the voluntarily gluten-free know what “horrible” actually is. Still, I’m winning! Then the exercise part started.

After my first week of cross-fit, wherein I’m concerned they’re being “gentle” and so I’m not really doing it, I kind of start to understand the appeal. For people who get bored with exercise, it changes things up quickly so you feel like you’re just doing a few things at a time and moving on to the next fascinating body torture option. So even if you’re only doing 6 push-ups, 10 dead lifts, 12 leg lifts and 200 meters of rowing, you wind up doing those quick things four times so it’s like, a lot. You can do the math, I’m tired.

The other reason I think it’s a gentle indoctrination is that not one person has asked me to post my exercise stats on social media. I mean, that’s part of it, right? Or do I just have friends who love to brag about how much stronger they are than I am? I should look into both of those things.

Regardless, the gentle first week kicked my ever loving ass. After day one my children are concerned about me and my new weird way of walking, and my husband isn’t too happy that I contacted a realtor about putting our house on the market because “too many stairs.”

On my second day of cross-fit I realize once I’ve showered that I soon will not be able to use my arms. I make a list of the things I’ll need my arms for and quickly do as many as possible before my muscles stop working.

Luckily, the recipes are no problem as I combine meats and vegetables like it’s my job. I go back to some old favorites, and add some vegetable and chicken soups into the mix. I try to increase my seafood intake so I don’t get totally bored with the diet. I can’t believe how easy this part is, which makes me realize doing this so many times before was incredibly helpful. I even know how to adapt these so my kids enjoy my pulled pork on a taco. (That’s basically what I’m doing: turning all my Paleo meals into tacos for the kids. Lucky bastards.)

The upside is that I have new friends and my old friends who love cross-fit are ‘effing thrilled. I want to remind everyone that I’ve only been doing this for a week, so maybe calm down on the high-fives, but I get so many emojis from my cross-fit friend that I always make fun of, I’m somehow inspired to keep going. How inspired? Today is day 3 of cross-fit and while I’m enrolled in a 9 a.m. class, I have to miss due to this guy being home sick-

Netflix makes it all better

I don’t want to miss, mostly because it’s my understanding that this debilitating pain will lessen the more often you’re running sideways across the gym with a big ol’ ball of lead in your arms. This means, I’ll be hitting the 8 p.m. On a Friday night. WTF?????

You guys, I’ve got 5 more weeks of this. Pray for me.