Seriously, what is gluten?

I’m so glad you asked! Gluten consists of the proteins found in wheat, barley, rye, and the unholy hybrid of wheat and rye, which is called triticale.

Why are you going around making gluten your bitch?

Because I was told I could no longer have croissants when I was diagnosed with celiac disease, and I did not like that. Therefore, I will whip everything else into delicious shape, and say ‘eff you, gluten. BE MY BITCH. I think you can do that, too.

Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?

Well, I’m a girl with a big mouth and a love of cheese, who also has celiac disease, that’s who. I think it’s cool to share my experiences, good, bad, and super ugly. If you were looking for a physician, you might want to check your health care provider manual.

Isn’t this gluten thing a load of B.S.?

Some of us wish real hard that gluten intolerance, celiac, autoimmune disease was a load of crap. But in reality, we do crap when we have gluten, and not in a dainty way that could be taken care of by a chamber pot out the window. But enough about me and my poop. Celiac disease is a very serious autoimmune disease (and there are other very serious autoimmune responses related to gluten as well) and if you do eat gluten, you could actually die. Eventually. Not right then, unless dying of embarrassment is a real thing. But not removing gluten from my diet (as a celiac) could lead to horrible diseases like cancer, osteoporosis, brain damage, strokes, and lots of other gross body-falling-apart stuff. That’s just science. And it sucks.

I tried bread in Europe and—

I’m going to stop you right there. European bread has gluten. Any bread that is not made with alternative grains that are not wheat, rye, or barley—such as rice, amaranth, almond, quinoa, tapioca, chickpeas, etc.—has gluten. It doesn’t matter how ancient the grain of wheat or rye, or how fantastic the accent of your waiter. Gluten is gluten is gluten is gluten. If you didn’t get sick in Europe, hooray for you! Personally, I’ve become intimate with many a Euro flushing mechanism whilst in the WC.

I’m going on vacation and need gluten-free recommendations!

Of course you do, and you’re smart if you are searching gluten-free blogs. You can search for the name of your vacation spot on my blog and see if I’ve been there! If I have, I’ve got some info for you. If you don’t find it on my blog, I have not been there since my diagnosis. If anyone would like to send me on a trip around the world to try and eat gluten-free, please send all tickets/spending money my way.

Does ChapStick have gluten in it?

Why do people keep asking me that? No. 

What all has gluten in it, and what does not?

Okay, now you’re getting pushy. If you’d like a comprehensive list/guide/belly laugh, please check out my books: Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free; The Gluten-Free Cheat Sheet; and Bake Sales Are My Bitch: Win the Food Allergy Wars with 50+ Recipes to Keep Kids Safe and Parents Sane.